2022

 Salam, 2022 has come to an end, has been awhile since the last time I wrote something here, I guess just too overwhelmed by so many things that keep happening in me life. All the struggles, all the heartbreaks, all the not yet the time etc. Gotta say, am tired.

So many to write but I just couldn’t find the connecting dots to bring my pouring heart down into my writings.

Allah took people I love out of my life multiple times this year, both dead and alive. I guess that was part of living in this world right.

All I can say, past few months were grieving periods and am still in grief over multiple losses happened in my life. I sometimes forget how fragile life could be, how easily one soul you hugged yesterday could be buried today. Still in disbelief, to lose people in very short of time. Allah is great indeed.

05/10/2022 lost my brother to cancer that he had been fighting since 2019, it was very quick, Ewing Sarcoma took him away from us, just like that. Within one month, the cells just decided to spread to his vital organs and made his last few weeks of his life hell. He spent one month in IKN before doctors decided they could not do anything for his as the cancer was too aggressive out of nowhere, with no signs. My heart sank when they told us that, I can’t imagine my parents feelings, to be prepared to lose their last child at any moment. My mother decided to bring him back to Rompin as nothing IKN could do, he was straight into palliative care. 

I still can’t forget those days he told me he was scared, I felt lost, helpless, not being able to help him, soothe him during his final days. He wanted to give up, but being him, it wasn’t him, he fought even though his body was eating him up. He was a strong lad honestly, mentally and physically. I couldn’t imagine the pain he went through, the fear, helplessness. But he was a lucky boy, from day one of his sickness, Allah made things easy for him till the we buried him, alhamdulillah. Maybe because he loved to make things easy for people around him when he was alive.

I miss you Muhammad Haziq, was the best 25 years of my life being your big sister. I would love to see you strive in life, getting married to the woman of your life, enjoy life, but I guess wasn’t meant that way. Everyone is still talking about you baby boy, like you never gone, like those days you went to IKN for treatments. As for the parents, they’re still struggling in their own way, accepting qada’ & qadr, but not to have him physically here is painful. Am glad mama & papa managed to perform umrah few days after his passing, it was unexpected one and definitely the best one.

The last one has to go first, not easy.

A month later, 04/11/2022 my bestfriend during my Turkey years passed away, due to cancer too. Thank God I was in KL during that time, and once again got smacked in the face to lose two people I love in my life to cancer. Couldn’t think straight, couldn’t understand why, still thinking actually. She had her right fallopian tube removed exactly a year ago, few months later biopsy results came back positive for cancer. Within 2-3 months, in May she was sent home for palliative, nothing doctors could do. 

I miss you Nur Tsiqah Mohd Nasir, I cherished our friendship since 2013, almost 10 years baby girl. We could go celebrate our 10 years together in Turkey next year right… but Allah has a better plan for you. Am glad I have our pictures together baby girl whenever am missing you, yet I still can read our texts, I just archived our conversations as I just cant read our old conversations without being sad you were no longer at the end of the line.

How long this sadness will linger? God know. Am just hoping for a better 2023 but I know, more losses are coming as we get older right? As for other minor disappointments in life, I guess am too used to it. Job, love life, stability.

Not yet my time perhaps.